now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
