literally had 100 drinks last night.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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