Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
