omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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