Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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