I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Actions speak louder than pants.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
