I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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