1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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