xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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