When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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