Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
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