yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
