he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize