im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize