I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
