some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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