I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
