Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
