got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
