I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
