I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
