My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
