The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
did i walk over a car last night?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
