I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
