Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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