i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
