I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
