How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
