I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
