You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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