Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
