i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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