I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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