At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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