It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
