I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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