Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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