I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
