You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
