Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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