I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
