seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize