I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I party with great urgency now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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