Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
