she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
