haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
