If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
