I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
