Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
