So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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