When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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