fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
