hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
