My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
